Young Teens and Oral Sex

• It's not real sex.
• It's ok to do with casual friends.
• A person is still a "virgin" or "abstinent" if he/she has participated in oral sex.
• May be okay to take place in a group atmosphere.
• It's what you do or is expected when you "go out" with someone.
• It has fewer responsibilities and consequences than "real sex".
• Quicker and easier than "real sex"

• It is sex—it involves someone putting their mouth on another's genitals. That's penetration.
• It can spread sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• It does not prevent breast cancer (a common myth teens believe)
• There are many eventual emotional, social, and spiritual consequences, i.e. reputation, regret, guilt
• Most young teens (12-15) engage in girls-giving-to-boys oral sex.

does not promote sexual behaviors.
It allows you to:

• Relate that all humans are sexual and that curiosity is normal.
• Share your values about love and relationships. Teens need to hear that certain sexual behaviors are okay to wait for.
• Shows that you believe your teen can make good decisions—it lets them know that they have a choice.
• Encourage up-front communication with your teen's boy/girl friend about what sexual behaviors your teen will allow. Though the media romanticizes the "let's just see what happen" attitude, sex shouldn't "just happen".
• Emphasize that here are many emotional, social, spiritual and physical consequences from sex that are hard for teens to understand. Addressing reputations, regrets, heart ache, guilt, infections and pregnancy are just some of the concerns with sexual intimacy.

• It takes more than one talk. The "big talk" was inadequate a generation ago. Make conversations about abstinence and sex ongoing, with lots of give and take.
• Plan ahead- know what values and behaviors you want to discuss. Know your resources—do your homework!
• Think of some opening lines: I hear kids your age... What do you think about... What are your friends doing?
• Plan on a calm, quiet time to start the discussion: in the car, washing dishes, taking a walk.
• Take advantage of teachable moments- they come up when you least expect! Pick a show/movie to watch together and discuss.
• Be firm and clear when talking. And LISTEN! Don't interrupt, judge or argue—keep the door open to future conversations about tough topics.
• Let your teen know you respect his/her ideas, even if you don't agree. Teens often "try on" opinions to see how others will react.
• Don't tease, make fun or use sarcasm. Guaranteed to cut off communication.
• Don't be too critical of the TV shows, music, and movies your teen likes. Your goal is not to change your teen's taste, but to help him/her think analytically and form his/her own opinions.
• Be patient. If your teen doesn't want to talk, try again another time.
• Teach effective communication skills. Help your teen identify and relate his/her own values. Help plan a talk with a partner, so it's not put off until the "heat of the moment".
• Encourage a focus on future goals.
• Remember positive reinforcement. "I'm really glad you asked me that." "I'm so proud of you for..."
• Gather support. Talk with other parents about rules, boundaries, what works/doesn't work.